Jul 13

The Separation

Partie 3 de 4

The Separation

Bonjour,

Have you ever felt the desire to end a toxic relationship but didn’t feel capable of doing it? You fear reprisals, you don’t know where to start or how to go about it, or perhaps you’ve ended that nightmare but the unknown scares you immensely! I understand what you might be feeling and how difficult it is to be in such a situation. We give everything we have; we fight against everything to make it work, but in vain, the situation deteriorates time after time! It’s like being trapped in quicksand; the more you struggle to find solutions, the more you sink. Leaving such a relationship becomes very difficult because a lot of doubt and emotions settle inside. This brings immense fragility.

According to research, when a narcissistic person or someone with narcissistic behaviors is left, they become very hurt in their ego. For them, the breakup is experienced as a true affront. Leaving them calls their self-love into question, it dares to doubt the exceptional person they think they are. Thus, rejection can be extremely difficult to accept and live with. Because of their constant need for admiration and validation, being rejected challenges their grandiose self-image and can cause deep injury to their fragile self-esteem. The abusive person is very good at convincing and making the victim doubt, who might be tempted to return. They won’t give up easily, they will try everything, stop at nothing because they can’t stand losing. They will do everything in their power to resume the relationship or to destroy the other person.

When it became clear that I would not come back, anger took hold of him, and he stopped at nothing. I had to make decisions to protect myself that hurt a lot and for which I had to forgive myself. I felt caught in a vise where freedom and peace were no longer there! What I was experiencing was comparable to an oil stain on a shirt that you can’t get rid of. You scrub, but in vain; the only way is to throw the shirt away, and that’s when I thought about taking my own life. I was living in deep helplessness where no healthy solution to take care of myself seemed to visit me. The harassment and defamation continued endlessly, infringing on my right to live healthily and freely.

The defamation that this person and some members of his family directed at me was very pronounced; it was horrible! I couldn’t imagine so much hatred and contempt directed at me just because this person was in a place of rejection and his own internal wounds were activated to the maximum. He had to take it out on someone, and I was the target! During those times, everything was very heavy, and often, I felt helpless and deeply desperate. I felt that the only thing I could hold onto (yes, I say hold on because I lived in fear) was my truth regarding what had happened in the relationship and who I was as a person. I wrote a lot!

Is it possible to judge another human? NO, because the human who judges, judges themselves! We cannot judge another human because we do not know the context in which that person finds themselves when making decisions. Some people will do it anyway because, for them, it is their internal wounds that lead them to gossip as a form of distraction to forget their internal pain or even to inflict pain on themselves since afterward, they will feel guilty! And I can affirm that in those moments of despair, words or any form of disparaging comments from the outside can become deadly. So, before judging or gossiping, let’s breathe to better feel the impact of the words we exchange!

When you are in a toxic relationship, it is important to become aware of what is authentically happening. To do this, I give you part of my own process. From the moment you start to feel bad in your relationship, stop and start to realize what is happening inside you and the source of your discomfort. Take the time to write to reinforce your awareness (this is beneficial for any kind of relationship, even with yourself) because it can be very easy to make ideas, scenarios, or doubt yourself! I wrote the dates, the times, and what had happened because imagining that everything is fine becomes a coping mechanism. You forgive quickly and want to move on.

Do your own research (several pieces of research) on toxic relationships and people with narcissistic or narcissistic behaviors, then take the time to identify well what you observe in your relationship with what you discover through your research while being very honest with yourself and without exaggeration; stick to the facts. Once you have discovered and become aware of everything, it will hurt because a flood of emotions will visit you. You will walk even more on eggshells because there will be uncertainties here and there and many insecurities. Surround yourself with trustworthy people and take steps to start therapy to strengthen your inner self.

Once you have made your decision, I invite you to cut ties completely because I wanted to make “closures,” I wanted to repent for my share of responsibility (we all have some because a relationship is a dance for two), I wanted to reconnect to make peace, I wanted to explain certain behaviors and have healthy communication, but none of this bore fruit and was not possible! In conclusion (I speak from my experience, and you might experience it too) and supported by numerous studies on the subject, it is better to distance yourself and forget that part of life by working on yourself! Anyway, everything will be your fault, they will twist the truth to their advantage, they will even go so far as to play the victim so that others pity them, turn everything against you, and see you as the one who caused the harm.

According to research to understand the reason for the collapse of a person gripped by these conditions: Narcissistic depression appears when the psychotic person “gets better.” It is when the pathological narcissism of the ideal self and the ideal of the self (the Great Other) is collapsing. The principle of reality then becomes overwhelming in the face of the “reality” of the delusion. It is then that this person is most at risk, when they can think and feel their illness and be disappointed by the ideology of the delusion. They may react with hatred and desire for death. As if, in the realization of their dissociated self, the healthy and conscious part wanted to take revenge on the delusional ideal self that had promised them so much. The “expansionist” and colonizing tendency of the self and the surrounding world shrinks, it is in this shrinkage that the inflated balloon of delusions of grandeur is marked by time and wrinkles.

In conclusion, if someone mistreats you, psychologically or physically, it is not your fault, it is theirs. No one can tell you, “You deserve what I did to you because you just had to stop, or it’s your fault if I shouted or hit you…”; NO! Because that is not a healthy way to communicate! No human on this earth has the right to mistreat you psychologically or physically. This abusive person has great trauma that gives them a very deep internal discomfort that leads them to act and react according to their own internal wounds. Yes, I know that when you live in this kind of relationship and separation, it can seem unfair and frustrating, but tell yourself one thing, that the only place where you have power and control is over yourself! Focus your energy and efforts on yourself by moving forward towards your direction of rediscovering who you are. Put your importance on your projects, your healing, your well-being, your love, and especially, this new you that you are discovering.

With trust, love and gratitude

Carole

The last blog will be on the healing process and all the strategies

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