Jul 6

The relationship!

Part 2 of 4

Welcome to this blog,

Does a human have the right to use mental, emotional, or physical violence on another human? NO! When we hear about violence, there is a feeling of discomfort that arises within us, stemming from powerlessness and judgment. As a result, this subject often becomes a fragile and taboo topic that we avoid discussing.

This is one of the reasons for these blogs: to talk about and demystify the violence and toxicity that occur silently within four walls. To strengthen our understanding of this delicate subject and to avoid judgment on either side. It is time to put more effort into prevention and sharing measures to overcome these situations and to become vigilant against humans with such conditions, narcissistic and narcissistic behaviors. Another intention is to bring more compassion and empathy towards the victims, as we often do not perceive the difficulty of escaping such relationships. I have seen friendships break apart because some people opposed another person staying in an abusive relationship simply because they disagreed. What the victim needs is not rejection but love, support, and presence in these difficult times!

This relationship began with an intense surge of love. My eyes were dazzled by what I felt, and at the same time, I could no longer see clearly. Everything happened very quickly as if everything had to be in place to avoid any setbacks, to ensure everything was secure. So, it was a wonderful honeymoon that lasted a year at most, only to transform into increasingly toxic moments. This makes sense given all the writings on the subject because at the very beginning, this type of person is charming. They have developed this image of kindness and will be quick to offer you this or lend you that because they like to be loved and admired by others. They will use these tactics to achieve their goals in their manipulation because they believe that if they give you something, you owe them something in return.

They are very good talkers, they value themselves by talking about their exploits, especially in the professional realm, as this is where they will use their achievements as a bargaining chip with their prey; the material aspect is what identifies them, and this is how they trade their love! All of this gives them a sense of superiority because they adhere very little to rules; to them, everything is owed! Their goal is to impress you, and as such, they do not tolerate any criticism. Criticism irritates them greatly and makes them rather aggressive as it attacks their image.

This person often sought to move me with his drama and various misfortunes. Consequently, I looked for solutions to make him feel better, wanting to help him as much as possible to the best of my knowledge, and above all, I let myself be convinced of his misfortunes. At that moment, I became ready to be manipulated. This type of person seeks another person to fill the gaps caused in their life by their inner void and lack of self-worth. All this is to reassure and secure themselves. The savior-persecutor-victim cycle began!

I gave a lot of myself in this relationship because, in my heart, a relationship is an exchange where each gives, but when you are with a person who takes excessively, a great imbalance is created, and it becomes toxic. In fact, I realized that I had no boundaries. It was as if I entered this relationship with a big bowl of candy and said, "Help yourself." After numerous searches and readings on toxic relationships and people with narcissistic, narcissistic or perverse behaviors, I came to realize that I had been deceived. Not only had I been deceived by him, but also by myself, for believing that I could save him and for not listening to my intuition.

Most of his days were filled with conflict; in fact, his life was filled with conflict. I looked at my life, which was simple, peaceful, and gentle versus his, which was full of conflicts. He created conflicts over trivial matters, fueled tensions, positioned himself as a victim, dramatized everything completely, and became miserable. On my side, it hurt me to see him like that, it made me sad, so I listened to him, was there for him, and did everything in my power to make him feel better and to help him. Over time, my body became tired, and certain emotions began to visit me. I felt like I was living with a child who asks for a candy, and after a while, you say, "Okay, take the candy," because you feel tired and exhausted. Saying no to him was almost an affront and provoked him. That's how it could happen, and I gave a part of my power to this person. Thus, I helped him and often put his things and needs before mine for the sake of peace. This caused frustration and disappointment within me, which made me withdraw to regain my strength, realign, take care of myself, and especially meditate.

Each time I retreated to take care of myself, his aggressiveness increased. It all started with him trapping me in corners where he yelled insults at me like a rabid animal. On the road, he could brake very abruptly and shout his dissatisfaction because, according to him and his expectations, I was not doing what he wanted or expected from me. At first, I was scared, and by the end, I had become almost immune to these behaviors. It's sad and very unhealthy because this way of minimizing is one of the reasons why victims stay, but all of this breaks the victim inside, little by little. The emotional, mental, and physical abuse continued to worsen until his inner anger manifested in a very violent way.

According to research; When the victim starts to distance themselves, ignore the complaints, take care of themselves more than the other person, or want to leave, the person affected by these conditions can switch to verbal and then physical violence. It starts with reproaches, insults, humiliations, contempt, prohibitions, guilt-tripping maneuvers, all interspersed with apologies and delightful moments where they show themselves to be perfect to better confuse and disorient their victim.

Following extensive research on these cases, I have greatly understood the source of their distress. Without minimizing their reactions and actions, I still have compassion and empathy for these people because in their childhood, there were sufferings and numerous traumas that led them to build this image and these protective mechanisms within themselves to survive. And it is important to clarify that I am not diagnosing here, as I speak from my experience and observations and the research that followed. I strongly believe that we are not in a position to diagnose people if we do not have the expertise to do so. However, we can observe and have facts and evidence that can correspond very well with research elements.

From various writings and research, I have realized the reasons for his conflicts in life; the narcissist or person with narcissistic behaviors seeks to enhance the image they have of themselves. To do this, they need to find someone who takes care of them, admires them, and reflects a flattering image of themselves back to them. Their victims are gentle, affectionate, sincere, generous, devoted, empathetic, and sensitive people who like to help and console. They will take pity on this type of person because he knows how to make himself pitied and pass for a fragile person that one wants to mother and protect. This need to repair and help this type of person to get better is often one of the reasons why the victim does not want to resolve to leave, in addition to the psychological and material difficulties feared in case of separation and the fear of the narcissist's revenge. Furthermore, the victim is under some form of control, which also adds to the difficulty of freeing themselves from this destructive relationship. Victims forgive and hope to change this type of person, to improve them through love. They forgive even more readily because the narcissist knows how to show kindness and be convincing to get forgiveness. He knows how to find effective arguments to justify his behavior; this is one of his strengths; being a good talker!

I left twice (not far) before separating completely, but his power over me and his great power of persuasion made me come back each time. He often had reproaches to make, to me or to the people I love. Each time, this sowed doubt and frustration within me. I no longer felt well and often lived in fear… on eggshells, in fact! I often separated in my mind without having the strength to do it. I did it once after physical violence, but he convinced me to come back, and a second time after he strangled me, and I still came back. The third time was the last because I left by moving most of my things, which was a form of protection for me because if I moved my things, it would take more effort to come back! This control over me lasted a long time, yes, a very long time, even after the separation and divorce.

The separation was a very long and painful journey where I learned, repaired, and healed many things within me. As a result, I gradually felt this state of freedom, love, and peace integrate and anchor within me. Again, this is a practice that will be with me until the end of my days on this earth!

This very difficult experience has made me realize that nothing is guaranteed and that sometimes we think we have reached healing! But all this is fleeting because healing will be there until the end of our days on this earth. It will be expressed in practice by strengthening our inner self and our self-love towards our best version! This experience, in respect of all and in all humility, was a blessing that opened my eyes and finally, my heart!

With trust, Love and Gratitude,

Carole

Blog 3 the separation et 4 healing process

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