Jul 21

Strengthening Your Light!

My Healing Journey

Blog 4 of 4

Bonjour,

Often, for much of my life, I operated in a state of unconsciousness, repeating cycles. I sleepwalking, suffering, feeling pain, and numbing that pain with various distractions that somehow reinforced this state of survival and suffering. Thus, I continued down this path because perhaps it was all I knew. I entered in my "bucket of shit"; it was dark, warm, and yes, comfortable. Was all of this for my greater good? NO!

So, I made choices without much regard for their impact. I acted impulsively, emotionally, often out of fear, without considering the repercussions and without any strategy. I now realize that these elements were indicators to manifested manipulators and bullies into my life because I was manipulable, rather naïve, and I could give excessively. These cycles perpetuate until the day we experience a kind of acute exhaustion that hits us inside. As an alternative, we can either sink deeper into distractions or embark on a healing journey. This dilemma will be cyclical until a trigger comes along and changes the rest of our lives!

This last romantic relationship was a major trigger for deeper repair and healing within me. After spending several years alone taking care of myself, I entered a relationship with this man. My intuition said no because he had only been separated for three months, but the fear of losing him was stronger than letting him go. Choices were made impulsively, emotionally, and somewhat naively. I often asked myself: was it a karmic force, a deep soul mate connection, or a form of manipulation, or all these things at once? Whatever it was, I often told myself I should have known better. I deeply regretted my choices, but in hindsight, this experience was a long journey of learning towards a place of deep acceptance and forgiveness.

Here are writings from extensive research: The weak point of a manipulator in love is their fear of loneliness; it is also their need to move from one relationship to another. A person with narcissistic tendencies exists only through their victims. In most cases, this type of person has an internal wound resulting from psychological trauma related to past events or a bad childhood experience: abandonment, rejection, emotional deprivation, lack of parental presence or authority. Emotions and sensitivity are repressed because most of these individuals are very sensitive. As a result, they have built an image to protect themselves and have become great manipulators to avoid exposing the sensitive being behind that image, again to avoid being hurt! The focus of such a person is on themselves. After our separation, this cycle of moving from one relationship to another was very visible. The answers were clear, and I understood that, in some way, I had been taken advantage of!

More than twenty years ago, I read my first book on cycles and internal traumas, which opened me to the source of our pains and made me realize that our daily functioning and reactions indeed come from our internal wounds. This book ignited in me a desire to repair and heal my inner self, leading to the discovery of my life's mission on this earth. I realized that in each difficulty we encounter on our path, there will be a blessing. I became aware that my foundation, my firmness regarding my needs and well-being, was certainly not solid enough to face this last relationship that came my way. The depth of my awareness was very profound as I delved more intensely into internal spheres. I dissected every step of this relationship and my entire life to see what was limiting me from fully opening my heart. All this involved seeking various resources, consultations, and extensive spiritual work. In my moments of meditation, reflection, and introspection, I channeled ways to repair and heal, practicing them repeatedly. Thus, I went to the source of my functioning, the internal cause of my reactions, thoughts, behaviors, and words.

In summary, these were very painful moments filled with emotions but leading to releases, repairs, and healing. I realized, released, accepted, forgave, and rewrote scenarios to move in a healthier direction and put my learnings into practice. Each time, I felt more peace, leading to other awakenings and channels. I practiced what I received, allowing me to experience deeper and deeper forgiveness. This is what integration towards transformation is; it takes effort, practice, testing, adjustment, and more practice until the day you feel it is natural within you, it becomes a part of you!

With practice, I increasingly opened my heart and built my confidence. Love, peace, and the freedom allowed me to reconnect with a very powerful light within me. I remember one day in Bali, Indonesia, my eyes cried non-stop for three days, and at the end of the third day, I received a profound message of forgiveness, as if my soul was forgiving my human body. On that day, something very deep happened within me where I understood the magnitude and depth of forgiveness.

On this journey, I learned to work with soul contracts because I understood that soul contracts exist. I learned that we cannot break a contract, but we must fulfill it. Thus, I experienced great freedom once that contract was fulfilled, I felt a deep feeling of peace and forgiveness towards that person. Everything became neutral, as if that past no longer existed!

Another element of healing was embarking on a spiritual journey. Spiritual journeys (I wrote a blog on this subject) with oneself bring something very unique and profound. During these five months of travel, I faced death while descending Mount Kailash in Nepal, which completely changed my perspective on life! This journey lasted until the moment I felt I had to return to the source. I didn't quite understand the reasons for this return, but I came back in the town I was living. Now, I understand with my heart because I had to put into practice everything I had learned, realized, and practiced. The practice in the environment that had caused this chaos within me is what allowed me to integrate deeply. Indeed, I had falls, I brought myself back, and I had more falls, but in the end, I reached a state of letting go, love, confidence, and peace. Thus, I understood that we need to get out of our own way to trust our intuition.

The practice of our learnings will continue until the end of our days on this earth. Everything becomes easier, and over time, reactions become less intense, falls become very short, suffering probably becomes minimal until it is nonexistent, and maybe just a little pain here and there, more letting go, less control, more freedom, and love. Our light shines, and we are more in the "here"! It is comparable to playing a musical instrument and practicing. In practice, realizations will visit us, allowing us to adjust our ways of doing things until the day our hearts open fully. This is when love becomes our only and unique boundary, and our choices are turned towards our greatest good. This is how we trust ourselves, recognizing our worth. The more you practice, the better you become, and thus goes life!

Life is a great dance where we practice love, respect, trust, and light. Let us focus our actions on this dance of life where beauty, love, creativity, respect, acceptance are present. Thus, this path will make us vibrate towards our direction, showing us our purpose on this earth! By doing so, we will shine by reenforcing our light and love will be our way, our Divine Source.

Courage, gratitude, love, and trust

Carole

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